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Nothing me at 10 couldn’t have handled. 1- stash the heroin left out the night before by me and my grade 5 Christmas party 2 – separate Santa’s body into several pieces, ala Dexter 3 – dispose of Santa’s body in the random sewer drains around the city 4 – sell the reindeer and sleigh to my fence.

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I would go through his things, see if anything is worth keeping/selling. Then, I would burn his sleigh and let those reindeer free. And then I would tie him up and put him in the neighbor’s backyard because those gosh darn neighbor dogs won’t stop barking at 1 am. And finally, I would call the cops and tell them that my neighbors have a hostage in their backyard.

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